Where's God?

Bruce Nolan: God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but He'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.- from Bruce Almighty

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa

If you believe in God, and you suffer from infertility and or/ pregnancy loss, you pray alot. You pray first that the test comes up positive. You then pray that there is no blood on the toilet paper. Then you pray there is a heart beat. Then when those prayers don't get answered or at least not in the way you wanted them too, you pray for the strength to just get through it all. And then, when what seems to be the millionth woman you know gets pregnant and has no issues, you may wonder "Is anybody listening?" Where is He???

As, much as I hate to be in what has been referred to as a "silent sorority", I have found an amazing amount of support amongst other women who have suffered from infertility and or/loss. Support that years ago probably didn't exist. THERE HE IS.

My new doctor is wonderful. I feel as though he is as invested in this as I am. He spends as much time as necessary with me and my husband. THERE HE IS.

I have a history of depression. Yet, I have somehow in the midst of all the hormonal changes, stress,and grief avoided falling into a major bout and avoided having to go back on medication. THERE HE IS.

My husband and I both have jobs in this economy. Jobs that allow us to pay medical bills, a little more than minimums on debt, and put a little into savings every month (even if it sometimes gets taken back out.)THERE HE IS.

We both have amazingly supportive families. THERE HE IS.

After my last loss, I received cards from two of my close friends and numerous phone calls from others that helped me feel not so lonely in what can be a very lonely time. THERE HE IS.

I have two cats that are my fur babies. They bring us great joy. I truly believe pets are gifts from God. THERE HE IS.

There is food on the table and a roof over our heads. THERE HE IS.

We are now thinking about adoption. This is something we may never have considered if not for our troubles. THERE HE IS.

I have had four positive pregnancy tests this year. (We watched some crazy Discovery Channel show about the conditions that sperm have to go through to actually meet the egg. Its a miracle any sperm makes it.) THERE HE IS.

I have seen two of my babies heartbeats on ultrasound.THERE HE IS.


And He is in every healthy baby born to my family and friends. Knowing what I know now, these babies, whether born after difficulties or not, are truly miracles.

Oh Icckk

Since Mother's Day, I've started three posts and have not finished any of them. I am having a really down week. Mother's Day Eve I had one too many martinis and wound up with my head in the toilet crying over my babies between dry heaves. The bills have all come in for the D and C, so the money has all gone out of savings. Oh and today is the anniversary of my first miscarriage.

On a good note, karyotyping came back normal. The doctor wants to do an endometrial biopsy to check for a luteal phase defect. He thinks if I have one, I was not on enough Prometrium this last pregnancy or I lost this baby due to one of those random chromosomal abnormalities that happen. Or its just "bad luck", really, really bad luck. If my endometrial biopsy comes back normal, I am still looking into DQ alpha matching and the like. I want to make sure all my bases are covered before we start trying again. Although God knows if we can really afford a baby. I mean that: Only God knows because I have no idea right now how we would do it.

Hi, My name is Salisa and I am a Habitual Aborter....

And if anyone can tell me where the anonymous meetings for this "habit" are held, I'd be really, really grateful, because I would really like to quit.

I am also a daughter.
I am also a sister.
I am also a cousin.
I am also a granddaughter.
I am also a wife.
I am also a depressive.
I am also a customer service representative.
I am also a reader.
I am also a cleaner.
I am also a high strung person.
I am also an ENFJ.
I am also a pet owner.
I am also an animal lover.
I am also a believer in retail therapy.
I am also a Catholic.
I am also an aunt.
I am also a cosmetics lover.
I am also a friend.
I am also a New Yorker and a Michigander.
I am also a Yankees fan and a Tigers fan.
I am also a stubborn person.
I am also a fan of baseball and basketball.
I am also a sorority girl.
I am also a blogger and a blog reader.
I am also a coffee and tea drinker.
I am also a foodie.
I am also a TV junkie.
I am also a movie goer.
I am also a lover of accessories.
I am also a daughter-in-law.
I am also a spiritual person.
I am also a talker.
I am also a loud person.

I am more than my losses and infertility.

Laughing and Moved at the Same Time

I was looking for books about miscarriage on Amazon. It suggested Knocked Up, Knocked Down by Monica Murphy Lemoine. She also posted a video dedicated to her stillborn son. It is very touching and funny at the same time. Don't get me wrong, after losing four pregnancies in less than a year, I feel for any woman stuck in this sorority of pregnancy and infant loss. It is a horrible place to be. However, Monica seems to cope with a snarky sense of humor. Read her blog and listen to the words in her song and you will see what I mean. It is a good representation of what parents of angels think about. I can't wait to read her book!

And Sometimes the Miracles are Not That Small

This story was in our local newspaper. The event happened at the church my husband and I attend.

"And the World Spins Madly On."

Yesterday was my first day back to work after we discovered I misscarried a third time. I woke up and all I felt was dread. I was in tears at the thought of facing it all. I just I kept thinking since Tuesday was my day off, I would just call off Monday and give myself the extra two days. But the logical part of me knew, whether I went back on Monday or Wednesday, the first day back after the loss would be hard. It did not matter what day of the week it was. It did not matter how many days I was out. One day would have to be the first day back after loss. One day would have to be the day that life went on.

I think there's part of you when you suffer a loss, any loss, not just that of a child, that makes you look at the world differently. You get so engulfed in your grief that it is incomprehensible that everything hasn't just stopped. Because to you it should. Because to you it has.

There's this part of you that wants to scream at the grocery store clerk when she tells you to "Have a nice day.", "I WILL NOT HAVE A NICE DAY. SOMEONE I LOVED DIED." There are times long after the sympathy cards and the flowers come, long after whatever closure is supposed to come with the ceremony, that you will sit alone with your grief and nobody is calling to console you anymore. "Grief lasts longer than sympathy."

After my first two losses, it was months until I did not have to pause before I answered the question "How are you?" For awhile when someone who knew about my losses asked me how I was doing, I had to wonder "Are they asking me in that casual way people do to be polite or are they asking me in context of my loss?" I live in context of my losses. Would I have made it past the twelve week mark, that week that so significantly decreases the miscarriage risk? Would I be twenty weeks today and know the sex? Is today an estimated due date? Or, as it is almost a year later from when we started this journey, did I lose a baby on this day? All those things determine, how I am really doing on any given day. Every day I live with my losses. But I live.

So I got up yesterday and went to work. I waited on guests and did the rest of my daily activities. Because life goes on. The pets have to be fed, bills have to be paid, the apartment needs to be cleaned,etc.

In fourth grade, our teacher read the class a poem about a family that suffers the death of the husband/father. The mother makes items for the children from the deceased father's clothes. When the children ask her why she is destroying their dear dad's things, she responds, "Life goes on,children. I just forget why." Indeed,life goes on.

Infertility/ Recurrent Pregnancy Loss Sucks

This. Just this.