Dancing in the Rain

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about dancing in the rain.


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Today, while I was at work, I was thinking that our car could really use a trip to the car wash. Actually, I've been thinking this for weeks now. The car is pretty dirty. There's bird poop on it. Then I thought, "Well, today would not be a good day to do it. They are predicting rain tomorrow." The car has been waiting to get washed for weeks because "they are predicting rain tomorrow, this weekend, etc." If I keep putting it off because of the weather that might happen, is it ever going to get cleaned??

We do this in life all too often. We put things off because we don't feel our circumstances are ideal enough to go after our heart's desire. Ever hear what someone with kids, tells someone who says they are waiting to have kids when they can afford them? Usually it is something along the lines of "If you wait until you can afford them you will never have them."

I've put off alot in the last year. All because I was planning on getting pregnant, or because I might miscarry. It is easy to get caught in the storm of infertility and recurrent loss. It seems I spent so much of the last year focusing on having a baby to hold, that until now I missed the lessons of the babies I didn't. Life on this earth is short. And alot of the time it is stormy. If we keep waiting until each storm passes, to take the trip, to see the concert, to find a new job, to start working out,to start that hobby, to go back to school, we never will. Sometimes all you can do is dance in the rain until the sun comes out. And it will,but I want to be able to say I did something cool in the meantime.

As for the car, one day it won't matter what storms are looming. I will get it washed. And if its only shiny and clean for one day, it will be worth it.

Where's God?

Bruce Nolan: God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but He'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.- from Bruce Almighty

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa

If you believe in God, and you suffer from infertility and or/ pregnancy loss, you pray alot. You pray first that the test comes up positive. You then pray that there is no blood on the toilet paper. Then you pray there is a heart beat. Then when those prayers don't get answered or at least not in the way you wanted them too, you pray for the strength to just get through it all. And then, when what seems to be the millionth woman you know gets pregnant and has no issues, you may wonder "Is anybody listening?" Where is He???

As, much as I hate to be in what has been referred to as a "silent sorority", I have found an amazing amount of support amongst other women who have suffered from infertility and or/loss. Support that years ago probably didn't exist. THERE HE IS.

My new doctor is wonderful. I feel as though he is as invested in this as I am. He spends as much time as necessary with me and my husband. THERE HE IS.

I have a history of depression. Yet, I have somehow in the midst of all the hormonal changes, stress,and grief avoided falling into a major bout and avoided having to go back on medication. THERE HE IS.

My husband and I both have jobs in this economy. Jobs that allow us to pay medical bills, a little more than minimums on debt, and put a little into savings every month (even if it sometimes gets taken back out.)THERE HE IS.

We both have amazingly supportive families. THERE HE IS.

After my last loss, I received cards from two of my close friends and numerous phone calls from others that helped me feel not so lonely in what can be a very lonely time. THERE HE IS.

I have two cats that are my fur babies. They bring us great joy. I truly believe pets are gifts from God. THERE HE IS.

There is food on the table and a roof over our heads. THERE HE IS.

We are now thinking about adoption. This is something we may never have considered if not for our troubles. THERE HE IS.

I have had four positive pregnancy tests this year. (We watched some crazy Discovery Channel show about the conditions that sperm have to go through to actually meet the egg. Its a miracle any sperm makes it.) THERE HE IS.

I have seen two of my babies heartbeats on ultrasound.THERE HE IS.


And He is in every healthy baby born to my family and friends. Knowing what I know now, these babies, whether born after difficulties or not, are truly miracles.

Oh Icckk

Since Mother's Day, I've started three posts and have not finished any of them. I am having a really down week. Mother's Day Eve I had one too many martinis and wound up with my head in the toilet crying over my babies between dry heaves. The bills have all come in for the D and C, so the money has all gone out of savings. Oh and today is the anniversary of my first miscarriage.

On a good note, karyotyping came back normal. The doctor wants to do an endometrial biopsy to check for a luteal phase defect. He thinks if I have one, I was not on enough Prometrium this last pregnancy or I lost this baby due to one of those random chromosomal abnormalities that happen. Or its just "bad luck", really, really bad luck. If my endometrial biopsy comes back normal, I am still looking into DQ alpha matching and the like. I want to make sure all my bases are covered before we start trying again. Although God knows if we can really afford a baby. I mean that: Only God knows because I have no idea right now how we would do it.