After our second loss, a missed miscarriage discovered at 11 weeks, I wrote the following as my facebook status: "If insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result, then sometimes there is a fine line between insanity and hope." For couples suffering with recurrent pregnancy loss, that line gets blurred everytime they try to concieve after loss.
I got pregnant quickly with Squirt. We had only been trying for a month and frankly, I was a little surprised when the test came up positive. I didn't think I was ready to be a mother yet and was hoping the universe would buy me some time by letting it take a few months before I got pregnant. Instead, the universe taught me one of the hardest lessons of being a mother. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, our children still have bad things happen to them. We lost Squirt at seven and a half weeks.
The doctor told us to wait two cycles before we started trying again. My husband and I were eager. I missed that second period and yet again there was a positive test. And just as with Squirt, we did not wait to tell people about Chicken Little. Because although miscarriages are fairly common, two in a row would surely not happen to me. Oh, how naive I was. There was no heartbeat on the doppler at eleven weeks. The baby had died at eight weeks. We knew we would try again and that is what inspired the facebook status because although the same thing seemed to be happening over and over again, we would try again. The next time, in the new year, with progesterone treatments and baby aspirin. All my tests had come back negative for miscarrige causing disorders so that treatment is considered "the can't hurt, might help" treatment for those with unexplained recurrent pregnancy loss.
The new year started and again I got pregnant on the first try. I tested five days before my missed period because I just "knew" that I was pregnant. The early test came up positive. You would think we would have learned by now. But we were crazy with hope. This time we only told our parents. Out we went to buy me a prenatal fitness DVD and Fit Pregnancy magazine. For a third time, I signed up for those weekly emails that send you an update of how your baby is developing My first one was titled "You are three weeks and six days pregnant." I had not even missed my period yet. By the time I had finally tested after I had missed my period (because when you suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss, you test like a maniac to make sure there is still HCG in your system), my tests were coming up negative. It was a chemical pregnancy. Snowflake ( I came up with that nickname because it basically melted as soon as it landed) never implanted.
So after three lost pregnancies, we continue to hope. We continue to try. We will continue to plan for each child after discovering it's conception. Because what else can we do?? Not telling people and not planning for them isn't going to keep me from miscarrying. I would rather live in hope that a subsequent pregnancy will stick, than the constant fear thet it will not. Call me insane because I keep expecting a different result even though prior experience tells me otherwise, but to quote Dale Carnegie "Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."
