I'm Alive

We have been busy around here. Joe is finishing up his Masters and teaching summer school. I have been planning Frank's first birthday party. We have gone camping with Joe's family. And Joe and I had our first night alone. We went to the Brad Paisley concert and my mom took Frank overnight. Frank. Has taken his first steps. His favorite thing to do is walk back and forth from me to the couch. He picked up the word leaf while camping. He puts up his finger when you ask how old he is. He grabs his feet when you ask where they are.

Quote of the Day

"Statistically there was always a chance that this would happen. The fact that it did happen doesn't change anything. World doesn't suck anymore today than it did yesterday."-Dr. House

Don't Ignore Recurrent Pregnancy Loss as a Form of Infertility

Too often,women who suffer from recurrent miscarriage are sidelined in the discussion about infertility. The idea is (and often ignorantly stated) that at least we can get pregnant. Except for women who suffer multiple losses,getting a positive pregnancy test is a moot point.

I experienced the same stab to the heart every time I heard yet another woman had gotten pregnant, as women who were having difficulty getting pregnant. I planned nurseries for "one day." I wistfully looked at babies clothes. I thought "if only" when some one complained about the discomforts of being pregnant. I cringed a little when invited to baby showers.

I changed my diet. I looked up studies about the causes and treatments of RPL. I got pricked with needles. I had doctor appointments with specialists. I had an endometrial biopsy and a hysterosalpingogram. I paid out of pocket for a lot of it.

I thought about my other options. I researched the financial costs of adoption and IVF. I thought about how many IVFs I would do before I said enough. I thought about how I would feel if an adoption did not go through because after the baby was born the birth mother decided to parent. I thought about how if we did adopt I would grieve not being able to carry my child in my womb and having to make peace with that.

It took a year and a half for me to have a healthy pregnancy. I had four miscarriages. But the worries are still there. Infertility doesn't go away because I have a child. As my husband and I talk about trying for our second, a lot of the same worries still plague me. Will I miscarry again? How many miscarriages? Will whatever caused my miscarriages now manifest by not letting me get pregnant? I still have that same feeling of being late in the game since so many of my friends and family my age have their second.

For some it's the inability to get pregnant. For me, it was the inability to stay pregnant. For all of us, its infertility.

The Nursery

The bedding is Dwell Studio for Target Rockets. The night stand is from my college bedroom. Joe repainted it to match the bedding. 

My mom's friend used the bumper to make valances, so the material did not go to waste.

Joe and I are huge Star Wars fans. Found these on Etsy.

Thought for the Day

As Frank heads way too quickly for my liking towards his first birthday, the conception of number 2( or is it 6?)comes to play. My RPL went undiagnosed. It might have but probably wasn't a luteal phase defect. It has been referred to by numerous doctors as " bad luck." But I don't feel like my miscarriages were bad luck. Rather I feel like Frank's birth is good luck, a miracle, the extraordinary thing. After all, I'm 1 for 5 as far as live births are concerned.

You Know Your A Mom When....

Wednesday was a beautiful day so instead of cleaning the floors or doing the laundry, I dragged Frank, a blanket, bubbles, and some toys outside. Two seconds after we settled in the front yard, I noticed some yellow liquidy stuff on the sleeve of my shirt. Sniff, sniff. Must be bird poop, I thought, because how would Frank's poop get on me? Plus it didn't smell. And Frank's poops reek. Well, it was not bird poop. Frank had had his second blow out of the day. And what had blown out got wiped up with my shirt when I carried him outside. This is where the mommy decision making came in. He was enjoying himself. I was enjoying myself and I had just juggled all the bubbles,numerous toys, a blanket and a 20 pound baby through the front door. If we went back in to clean him up we were not coming back out. And it was so so nice out. So I poured some of the bubbles on the sleeve of my shirt, and rubbed out the poop with the ground side down part of the blanket. It was so worth it.

Happy Birthday To Me

So glad I got to celebrate with my beautiful son.