Father's Day

I think sometimes as women, we forget , that our DHs, whether they show it or not are on this journey of infertility and or/recurrent losses too. I asked my husband (who will henceforth be referred to as JD for his initials) how he felt about today being Father's Day. Had Squirt lived or Chicken Little lived he would be a daddy by now. Had Snowflake or Rocky lived, he would know by now whether he would be a dad to a boy or girl. He answered that he was OK. He did not want anything honoring the day for him. Although, he did say that when we are in our home state next week he does not want to hold the two babies that belong to our sets of coupe friends. He compared it to the "Stanley Cup Curse." "If you touch it before you win it, then you will lose it."

I thought that today of all days I would share something he wrote when we found out we were pregnant with Chicken Little:

Women Aren’t the Only One Bleeding
“No longer in the womb but forever in our heart”

The funny thing is, is that as I type this, my wife is 9 weeks pregnant. The joy that is in my heart has replaced the feelings of loss and sadness. The funny thing is, is that as men, we are not supposed to feel sadness, the least of all at the death of a child. A miscarriage is the most painful lesson I have ever learned as a human being. I have learned that I am not the most gifted athlete, I have definitely learned that I am not the smartest human on the planet, and I have learned that I am not as “strong” as I thought I was.

I was 28 when my wife told me we were pregnant, she was late, and I was excited. We rushed to tell everyone, I even copied the positive pregnancy tests on our scanner. The conversation I had with my parents was the best we ever had. To finally have something positive to tell my parents was a joy I will never have again.

I grew up in a loving household of four boys. My parents did the best they can, and better than most. Masculinity was not missing in our household. I have always felt a gravity towards societies version of masculinity. Men were the bread winners and women were better at taking care of homes and babies. I always thought that women were more emotional than men: that is until this happened.

My parents were the best that their generation could offer. Mom and Dad were a dying breed in this country that taught their children right from wrong. They taught us that fate was what we made of it. Why then did my child have to die before he/she could make their world what they wanted.

I feel this loss as I have felt no other. I have lost grandparents, I have felt the sting of losing someone close, yet this was different. This was like a knife cutting into my chest. I had to be strong for my wife, and yet my body was crying to God for answers. I let myself feel the grief, alone in the car on my way to work the next day. There was no sick days that could cover this loss. No personal grievance day that could quench the thirst of my pain. I drove in silence, no radio, no phone, nothing to make me think of the child that was now passing through my wife’s body. My wife was losing our child and there was nothing we could do about it.

This is an addendum I wish I would have never had had to written. It is now almost 9 months since the first and we have had 2. The second was a missed miscarriage. Not only did we have the slap in the face of another, but my wife went through the pains of childbirth. What kind of “God” allows this to happen? Not only do we have the pain of loss that will echo our hearts for all time, but she has to go through the physical and emotional toll of a birthing that we will not come out of with a gift that we have been praying for forever. I watched as my wife went through what most would consider hell. I have no idea what is going on with our babies.

Theme Song

So I used to watch Ally McBeal all the time. And recurrent theme on that show was that your life has a theme song. And for the last year this one kept popping into my head. I guess it is my theme song.

I'm Ready!!!

Husband commented on it today. I have been looking at baby bedding and nursery decor sites again. Now I have to wait for Cycle Day 25 for my endometrial biopsy. Then, I have to wait for the results of that. And if that comes back normal, look into alloimmune testing. So physically, I am not that ready. But emotionally,I am ready to take a seat back on that crazy ass rollercoaster ride of tring to concieve after loss.

Dancing in the Rain

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about dancing in the rain.


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Today, while I was at work, I was thinking that our car could really use a trip to the car wash. Actually, I've been thinking this for weeks now. The car is pretty dirty. There's bird poop on it. Then I thought, "Well, today would not be a good day to do it. They are predicting rain tomorrow." The car has been waiting to get washed for weeks because "they are predicting rain tomorrow, this weekend, etc." If I keep putting it off because of the weather that might happen, is it ever going to get cleaned??

We do this in life all too often. We put things off because we don't feel our circumstances are ideal enough to go after our heart's desire. Ever hear what someone with kids, tells someone who says they are waiting to have kids when they can afford them? Usually it is something along the lines of "If you wait until you can afford them you will never have them."

I've put off alot in the last year. All because I was planning on getting pregnant, or because I might miscarry. It is easy to get caught in the storm of infertility and recurrent loss. It seems I spent so much of the last year focusing on having a baby to hold, that until now I missed the lessons of the babies I didn't. Life on this earth is short. And alot of the time it is stormy. If we keep waiting until each storm passes, to take the trip, to see the concert, to find a new job, to start working out,to start that hobby, to go back to school, we never will. Sometimes all you can do is dance in the rain until the sun comes out. And it will,but I want to be able to say I did something cool in the meantime.

As for the car, one day it won't matter what storms are looming. I will get it washed. And if its only shiny and clean for one day, it will be worth it.

Where's God?

Bruce Nolan: God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but He'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.- from Bruce Almighty

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa

If you believe in God, and you suffer from infertility and or/ pregnancy loss, you pray alot. You pray first that the test comes up positive. You then pray that there is no blood on the toilet paper. Then you pray there is a heart beat. Then when those prayers don't get answered or at least not in the way you wanted them too, you pray for the strength to just get through it all. And then, when what seems to be the millionth woman you know gets pregnant and has no issues, you may wonder "Is anybody listening?" Where is He???

As, much as I hate to be in what has been referred to as a "silent sorority", I have found an amazing amount of support amongst other women who have suffered from infertility and or/loss. Support that years ago probably didn't exist. THERE HE IS.

My new doctor is wonderful. I feel as though he is as invested in this as I am. He spends as much time as necessary with me and my husband. THERE HE IS.

I have a history of depression. Yet, I have somehow in the midst of all the hormonal changes, stress,and grief avoided falling into a major bout and avoided having to go back on medication. THERE HE IS.

My husband and I both have jobs in this economy. Jobs that allow us to pay medical bills, a little more than minimums on debt, and put a little into savings every month (even if it sometimes gets taken back out.)THERE HE IS.

We both have amazingly supportive families. THERE HE IS.

After my last loss, I received cards from two of my close friends and numerous phone calls from others that helped me feel not so lonely in what can be a very lonely time. THERE HE IS.

I have two cats that are my fur babies. They bring us great joy. I truly believe pets are gifts from God. THERE HE IS.

There is food on the table and a roof over our heads. THERE HE IS.

We are now thinking about adoption. This is something we may never have considered if not for our troubles. THERE HE IS.

I have had four positive pregnancy tests this year. (We watched some crazy Discovery Channel show about the conditions that sperm have to go through to actually meet the egg. Its a miracle any sperm makes it.) THERE HE IS.

I have seen two of my babies heartbeats on ultrasound.THERE HE IS.


And He is in every healthy baby born to my family and friends. Knowing what I know now, these babies, whether born after difficulties or not, are truly miracles.

Oh Icckk

Since Mother's Day, I've started three posts and have not finished any of them. I am having a really down week. Mother's Day Eve I had one too many martinis and wound up with my head in the toilet crying over my babies between dry heaves. The bills have all come in for the D and C, so the money has all gone out of savings. Oh and today is the anniversary of my first miscarriage.

On a good note, karyotyping came back normal. The doctor wants to do an endometrial biopsy to check for a luteal phase defect. He thinks if I have one, I was not on enough Prometrium this last pregnancy or I lost this baby due to one of those random chromosomal abnormalities that happen. Or its just "bad luck", really, really bad luck. If my endometrial biopsy comes back normal, I am still looking into DQ alpha matching and the like. I want to make sure all my bases are covered before we start trying again. Although God knows if we can really afford a baby. I mean that: Only God knows because I have no idea right now how we would do it.

Hi, My name is Salisa and I am a Habitual Aborter....

And if anyone can tell me where the anonymous meetings for this "habit" are held, I'd be really, really grateful, because I would really like to quit.

I am also a daughter.
I am also a sister.
I am also a cousin.
I am also a granddaughter.
I am also a wife.
I am also a depressive.
I am also a customer service representative.
I am also a reader.
I am also a cleaner.
I am also a high strung person.
I am also an ENFJ.
I am also a pet owner.
I am also an animal lover.
I am also a believer in retail therapy.
I am also a Catholic.
I am also an aunt.
I am also a cosmetics lover.
I am also a friend.
I am also a New Yorker and a Michigander.
I am also a Yankees fan and a Tigers fan.
I am also a stubborn person.
I am also a fan of baseball and basketball.
I am also a sorority girl.
I am also a blogger and a blog reader.
I am also a coffee and tea drinker.
I am also a foodie.
I am also a TV junkie.
I am also a movie goer.
I am also a lover of accessories.
I am also a daughter-in-law.
I am also a spiritual person.
I am also a talker.
I am also a loud person.

I am more than my losses and infertility.