Because Holding My Breath Would Be Bad for the Baby

It was 4am Oct. 29, and I had to pee. Since, I was awake and I did not want to have to wake up again in an hour before Joe (my husband said I can use his real name, so no more J.D.) went to work ( he likes me to test when he's around),  I  figured I'd POAS. Mind you it was not a mind fetus type of testing being done. It was more of a wouldn't it just suck if I was pregnant and went off the progesterone and screwed things up type of test. We didn't even try that month. But there it was a positive test. Another positive pregnancy test. The first words out of my mouth were,"Oh Crap!"

So here we go again. I went in to confirm the pregnancy the first day of my missed period. I had to make an appointment with a doctor other than the one I just started seeing. His name was Dr. Ohm. Which is nice because "Ohm" was kind of neccessary at that point. In fact, the nurse couldn't even take my blood pressure that day. We did a progesterone check and a beta check. Both came back looking good. My doctor actually said my progesterone was a bit high and asked if I wanted to take a lower dose but I said I'd rather not. We didn't do a series beta because my betas always double and if they weren't there isn't anything they could do anyway. So I didn't see the point in having to make another doctors's appoinment and get stuck with another needle when it wouldn't provide me with any peace of mind.

Our first ultrasound showed me further along than we had thought by five days. I was six weeks four days. The baby had a heart beat of 133 bpm. Everything looks really good so far, but it has before. Even my doctor expressed the sentiment that she wished I was just 30 weeks already.  But I'm not. So I fall asleep at night with my fingers crossed and praying. And I try to remember to breathe.

Remembering Our Babies

This is for Squirt, Chicken Little, Snowflake, and Rocky, and all the other angel babies. 
J.D. wore the PAIL rubber bracelet and ribbon to work today. I will wear mine today too.

Two More

While we attended Westborn Market's "Taste of Michigan" Sunday, I turned to J.D. and said "I'm only doing this two more times, and then we are considering adoption for real."  Two more miscarriages.  This whole resolve to be willing to go through two more losses strikes me as funny.

 First off, I have already done "two more."  I had told J.D. that it would be "one more" after we lost Chicken Little, the second baby. Now a chemical pregnancy and another miscarriage later, I am willing to have six losses before we seriously start to consider adoption.  Partially, this is because adoption is expensive so while we save for it, I am not willing to do nothing in the meantime. Also, I am still refusing to accept the idea that I may never give birth to a healthy baby.

The other thing I find funny about this "two more" is that it means I have fully accepted the possibility of me actually miscarrying two more times. I'm not sure if this expresses lack of faith that my next pregnancy will be successful or insane hopefulness that after so many pregnancies, one of them will eventually stick. 

And that's the thing. I keep hearing these stories of women who went through 6,8,10 miscarriages and then had a healthy baby.  These stories give me hope. Yet, another part of me thinks, "I don't want to have to go  through that many." How much more can I emotionally and physically handle? How many more nicknames will not turn into real names?  How many more surgeries do I want to undergo to have my dead child taken from me? How many more times can I "untell"? Today, its two more.

Aunt Flow is a B&%$@

She came to visit today. Crying has ensued.  I texted J.D. demanding a puppy and wine. The puppy is a no go as we have already met our apartment's two pet maximum with Paisley and Patrick (our cats). Well at least I can drink at our college's homecoming this weekend and the next weekend's wedding??? That's a silver lining, right? Kind of?

J.D. has now compared baby making to football. He is a highschool coach. It was an amusing analogy but since my knowledge of football is limited I cannot repeat it right. Something about being on the 40 yard line and getting pushed back and if we wanna win....

On another note, infertility has infiltrated even the simple show of One Tree Hill. (Yes, I watch it religiously.)  Brooke Davis cannot get pregnant. The exchange between Brooke and her six year old godson, Jamie was priceless this week.

Jamie: "Aunt Brooke, where do babies come from?"
Brooke: "Not from me."

To Whom it May Concern

Dear happy, healthy pregnant lady,

Thank you for:

a. Showing me your ultrasound pictures.

b. Texting me the sex of your baby.

c. Inviting me to your baby shower.

I am truly happy for you. However, if you are friendly enough with me to share these things, please be a friend and acknowledge the following:

a. How lucky you are that you saw a heartbeat at the ultrasound and you made it far along enough to find out the sex

b. After four miscarriages, I may not want to go to a party surrounded by baby things,when I never got to buy any for my babies

I really do not mind you sharing these things with me. I am after all your friend, so I like sharing in your happiness. But please do not ignore my losses because, as my friend, you should at least take them into consideration.

Sincerely,
Me

5DPO

So today is day 18 of my cycle. When I went to the bathroom before putting in the progesterone suppository, there was blood on the toilet paper. Implantation bleeding perhaps???? The irony of actually being excited and hopeful about blood on the toilet paper, when usually it brings fear and/or disappointment, is not lost on me.

I have already gotten in touch with a new ob/gyn office here and have given the nurse the run down of my losses and luteal phase defect. Basically, I have given them the heads up that I am going to need lots and lots of attention if I got pregnant this cycle. If I didn't I want to discuss Chlomid which I have been resisting the use of up until now. But I am tired of wasting time.

So here's hoping I got pregnant this cycle not that it neccessarily means I will wind up with a baby.

I'm Still Here

In the last couple of months there have been quite a few events. Here's an update:
J.D. finally got a teaching job in our home state of Michigan.

Most of July and August was spent getting ready for the move to MI from VA, where we lived and J.D. taught the last two years.

We are thrilled to finally be back where we have family.

I was diagnosed with a luteal phase defect so it is 400mg of Prometrium for me.

We are trying to save for a house.

Currently, I am TTC, trying to find work, and dealing with all those babies born to my friends that were previously 600 miles away.

Oct 3 J.D. and I will attend the Share Annual Walk for Rememberance and Hope.