This is for Squirt, Chicken Little, Snowflake, and Rocky, and all the other angel babies.
J.D. wore the PAIL rubber bracelet and ribbon to work today. I will wear mine today too.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Remembering Our Babies
This is for Squirt, Chicken Little, Snowflake, and Rocky, and all the other angel babies.
J.D. wore the PAIL rubber bracelet and ribbon to work today. I will wear mine today too.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Two More
While we attended Westborn Market's "Taste of Michigan" Sunday, I turned to J.D. and said "I'm only doing this two more times, and then we are considering adoption for real." Two more miscarriages. This whole resolve to be willing to go through two more losses strikes me as funny.
First off, I have already done "two more." I had told J.D. that it would be "one more" after we lost Chicken Little, the second baby. Now a chemical pregnancy and another miscarriage later, I am willing to have six losses before we seriously start to consider adoption. Partially, this is because adoption is expensive so while we save for it, I am not willing to do nothing in the meantime. Also, I am still refusing to accept the idea that I may never give birth to a healthy baby.
The other thing I find funny about this "two more" is that it means I have fully accepted the possibility of me actually miscarrying two more times. I'm not sure if this expresses lack of faith that my next pregnancy will be successful or insane hopefulness that after so many pregnancies, one of them will eventually stick.
And that's the thing. I keep hearing these stories of women who went through 6,8,10 miscarriages and then had a healthy baby. These stories give me hope. Yet, another part of me thinks, "I don't want to have to go through that many." How much more can I emotionally and physically handle? How many more nicknames will not turn into real names? How many more surgeries do I want to undergo to have my dead child taken from me? How many more times can I "untell"? Today, its two more.
First off, I have already done "two more." I had told J.D. that it would be "one more" after we lost Chicken Little, the second baby. Now a chemical pregnancy and another miscarriage later, I am willing to have six losses before we seriously start to consider adoption. Partially, this is because adoption is expensive so while we save for it, I am not willing to do nothing in the meantime. Also, I am still refusing to accept the idea that I may never give birth to a healthy baby.
The other thing I find funny about this "two more" is that it means I have fully accepted the possibility of me actually miscarrying two more times. I'm not sure if this expresses lack of faith that my next pregnancy will be successful or insane hopefulness that after so many pregnancies, one of them will eventually stick.
And that's the thing. I keep hearing these stories of women who went through 6,8,10 miscarriages and then had a healthy baby. These stories give me hope. Yet, another part of me thinks, "I don't want to have to go through that many." How much more can I emotionally and physically handle? How many more nicknames will not turn into real names? How many more surgeries do I want to undergo to have my dead child taken from me? How many more times can I "untell"? Today, its two more.
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